One Month Down

Johnny passed away exactly one month ago. I still can't wrap my head around everything that has happened this past year. People ask me all the time how I'm doing, well, here's my answer: I have no idea! Really. I don't know what to think or do or feel. I feel empty, like a part of me is missing. I feel trapped sometimes. I feel helpless. I feel happy and peaceful that my son is in a better place, free of his imperfect body and all the doctors and tests and sickness. I'm terrified of the future, mostly dealing with future children (when should I have another?, what if it happens again?, should I have a VBAC or another c-section?, etc., etc.). I worry that something will happen to KJ, Eva, me or someone else I love. I worry that I did something to make it happen. I feel dazed and confused. I feel loved by everyone around me. Basically, I feel everything and nothing. But, I'm alive. I'm breathing. I get out of bed everyday. I shower, get dressed and put make-up on everyday. I'm trying to fill my life with positive things. I am grateful that I have prayer, personal revelation and the Gospel of Jesus Christ, I don't know how people survive without it. I have a whole new, wonderful perspective of life. I don't know what I would do without Eva. I'm trying to have faith and patience, sometimes it's excruciatingly hard but so far I'm doing it. So there you have it. That's how I'm doing. I'm a little bi-polar at the moment. :)