My Goal

"I mean to be happy in every circumstance in which I am placed. I am determined to not be cheated out of the pleasures and happiness of this world by the cares and disappointments with which I am surrounded. For Elder Kimball tells us that if we ever expect to have a heaven we shall have to make it ourselves, so I think the sooner we begin the better and I know of no better way than to be content in every condition and try to make the best of everything."

-My great-great-great Grandma, Lydia Partridge Lyman

Connection

One horrible day in the NICU, Johnny started having seizures. At the start of one seizure he looked at me with a look of panic and confusion. I looked him right in the eyes said aloud, "Johnny, just relax. You're going to be ok. You can do this."

Now, 9 months later, as I lay on the floor in a big sobbing, shaking mess. I could feel Johnny stare into my soul and tell me,

"Mom, just relax. You're going to be ok. You can do this."

I am always amazed at the mother-child connection. Even when we're not physically together.

Black Mail

For Christmas one year my mom gave Eva one of those Crayola cameras. She is obsessed with it and always takes pictures. Many of my days are spent posing for her pictures. I had never uploaded the pictures until last week and I was dying! If you ever need a good laugh, let your child take pictures themselves! She has lots of good black mail of pretty much everyone in the family. She even took a slightly pornographic picture of me pumping that I will NOT post. Here are some examples of her fabulous work!

Believe

"Believe in God; believe that He is, and that He created all things, both in heaven and in earth; believe that He has all wisdom and all power, both in heaven and in earth; that man doth not comprehend all the things which the Lord can comprehend."

-Mosiah 4:9

I read this scripture and it hit me hard. Some days (like today) I feel like I can't do it anymore. I get sick of feeling sad and anxious and crying all the time. I don't understand why God gave me this trial. I don't know why I had to have a sick baby when everyone around me seems to be having healthy children. I don't understand why my baby had to die. I don't know why I was chosen to deal with this heartbreaking grief and anxiety. It's all so unfair. But I do know that God is good. I know that He has a plan for me that I don't understand yet. I know that He loves us and that even though it's hard, He wouldn't give us anything unless it will eventually help us become better and happier. It doesn't make sense to me now, but eventually it will and we will have immense joy. On days like this, that's all the keeps me going. Just believe.

My Theme Song

I swear my entire life people ask what my "theme song" is and I could never think of one. Please look past the name of this song, but I think I have finally found my theme song! I especially like the "I'm your angel undercover" and "can't say I'm not alive" parts. The music video is pretty funny too. :) Sorry, I'm computer illiterate and can't figure out how to upload the video.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ivt_N2Zcts

Johnny's Birthday

Thanks for helping us celebrate Johnny's birthday! I am still amazed at the response we got from everyone. We are definitely loved and supported. We love all of you and are so grateful to have such amazing people surrounding us.

I was a little nervous for his birthday but it was a great day. I made him the "angel bear" cake above. It was a good creative outlet for me. I wish he could have tasted it but we will be able to do that someday. Naturally, right after I finished it started falling apart. :) We had our families over for cake and ice cream and then we kept family tradition and went around the room and told what we love about the birthday boy. We then released lanterns at his graveside. It was quite the adventure. I had to control myself so I didn't burst out into a song from Tangled. We didn't get all of them up but we did get a few to work.

I was so overwhelmed with all the goodness and love in the world. God is good. Life is hard but we can find joy. I am so glad that Johnny came to our family and that he is ours forever. There is no greater gift than that. Happy birthday my sweet, amazing, life-changing son!

So True

"If you know someone who has lost a child or lost anybody who's important to them, and you're afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died, they didn't forget they died. You're not reminding them. What you're reminding them of is that you remember that they lived, and that's a great, great gift." -Elizabeth Edwards

I love this quote. Trust me, it's better to say something than nothing at all. I always want Johnny to be remembered.